Sh!t I Hate, Entry 1: Things I Hate about Parties- Full Version

As I sit here cracking my knuckles, I plan to divulge and reminisce on the parties I have had the pleasure to get my groove on in. Dancing amongst those too tipsy to remember me grabbing their azz and/or those girls that felt my rude boy grind against them under the dim lights. Wow. This summer will be one to remember. One for the books. Shall I say this will be one debaucherous season? Nevertheless, here are Things I Hate about Parties...

1. Sweaty azz females- Now I understand that you getting down. I mean you're really getting down. But there is something that turns me off about dancing on a female that's really rubbing her sweat and dead skin all over my fresh Calvin Klein V-Neck Sweater that feels like peach fuzz on a baby's azz (yes I'm one fresh guy). I mean sweating is not really cute *kanye shrug* this can be a hit or miss, like we all know we're going to sweat, but I just dont like it. Which brings me to the next point...?

2. Scorching Hot Azz Parties- I'm talking bout the party is so hot that n!ggas walking around with their shirts off. Anything that can potentially make n!ggas take their shirt off in a venue I'm in, I'm directly oppose to. Just think about if I bump into one of 'em, and his sweaty azz rubs against my fresh Calvin Klein V-Neck Sweater that feels like peach fuzz on a baby's azz (yes I'm one fresh guy and said that again) I will be pissed.

3. The Line- Yes, the line refers to the little path we make to get to the other side of the party. This line is the slowest you will ever get in. We just shuffle our feet side to side while pushing drunks, humping and grinding chicks, big girls, and midgets as we try to get to the other side and see what's going on.
Question: Why is it that when you finally get to the other side you realized there was nothing over there in the first f^cking place. #fail

4. No slow jams- Can a n!gga get a slow jam? I mean d@mn why in the hell does the party have to persist with booty music the entire time? I know most of my readers have seen The Wood (yeah Buddy). Why can't we get close and whisper in each other's ear, while chicks makes us keep bringing our hands up above their waist because we tryna get a handful? $2 to the next dj that plays My Latest Greatest Inspiration by Pendergrass (what-kinda-f^cking-last-name-is-that).

"That's Why I'm Big Mike and Ya'll Ain't"

5. Swag Surfing- Are you serious? Does the whole party have to participate? Everybody has to rock and dip from side to side. When will this song die? Please die. Cause I'm on my Pretty Boy Swag now.

"Get Out the Waaay, Pretty Boy Coming Through"

6. Chicks That Don't Want to Dance with Guys- You know who you are. The chicks that come to the party in get in one circle in just dance with each other. Every time a guy comes up, they just get closer in the god d^mn circle. I swear, I would drop kick the sh!t out of one of them, if I didn't have any sense, but I do.

7. Chicks That Dance Too Hard- This refers to the chicks that act like ya'll went over a dance rehearsal or routine before we got to the party. First they grind, now they dipping, then they bobbing, bouncing, "aw you gone throw the leg up, I got you". Forreal tho? You expect me to act like we are on America's Best Dance Crews or whatever that show is. Just calm down and grind on me. I don't need all that extra.
Sidenote: Shout Out to the Big Girls with ya'll soft, fluffy azzes. Whatever you do, feels good.
True Story: The last party I went to, some big girl grabbed me and tried to back me down. Then it happened my song "Bus That P^ssy Open" came on. I must've grab her belt, threw my leg up, an pounded her azz so hard, she fell down. And if that isn't funny enough, have you ever seen a big girl try to get up off the floor?! Picture a turtle stuck on its back. (I know I'm wrong)


8. If u not Slapped or Loose, SMH- A party may very well be a waste off your time.

9. The Non-Winning Football Team (which can be found at most HBCU's)- Everybody hates the football team. They like to try to take over the party, yet the last time they won a game, it happened in practice when they played each other. Most of the time they're too big anyway and take up to much d@mn space.


What else do you hate about parties? I mean you at least have one thing you hate