You're About to Ruin This: After Sex Etiquette

It has come to my attention that after getting that happy ending many people don't know what to do with themselves, so due to such infractions I must educate. Don't you know what you do after sex is just as important as what you did during? There is still a mood to set after getting the cheeks and wetting the sheets. Just sit back and read AfterSexEtiquette:    


TALK SHOW (MenWomen): I don't want to feel like I'm on a talk show, interview, or at court, after I have sex. If it was that bomb.com I just want to sit back, chill, catch my breathe, drink a glass of kool-aid, go 2 sleep, or look at the ceiling. I understand you want to know what I'm thinking, but sometimes we just have to listen to each other breathe, kiss, peck, and do things like that.

WASH-UP LESS THAN TEN MINS AFTER (Men): True, she may not be your main, but women don't like when you hop straight in the shower right after sex. She wants you to smell like her for a little while afterwards. If you were smart, you would've just had sex in the shower. (A HA! *light goes on*)

REQUEST FOR ROUND TWO TOO QUICK (Women): Yeah, I said women. Alot of the time ya'll don't put that much work in, but have these crazy a$$ expectations. Your mans out of breathe and you giggling talking bout "round two". If you knew any better you'd- clean him off, give em a good twenty mins, then do some seductive dance or better yet spread your legs open and play with yourself like he's not even there; I swear his d!ck a get harder than tryna whistle underwater.

GET UP & GO TO THE LIVING ROOM TO WATCH TV (Men): I've been guilty of doing this *kanye shrug*. True, you weren't expecting to have sex and put the Lakers game on tivo, but please believe you won't have to worry about getting no surprise pu$$y anymore if you do that. Spare yourself the trouble and watch it when she falls asleep.

CHECK YOUR PHONE OR EMAIL RIGHT AFTER (MenWomen): I've definitely been guilty of this too, I have even been accused of checking my phone during *shrugs*. Nevertheless, let the sex aroma simmer for a moment before you go to your phone to see if your homeboy/girl hit you up they can wait til the morning.

GET DRESSED & LEAVE RIGHT AFTER (MenWomen): It makes whoever's still laying in the bed feel like just a piece of a$$, unless they want you to go and you were just a piece of a$$. Stay for a little and cuddle. If you do have to leave right after, say it before you have sex and let them know you have plans.

ASK DID YOU CUM (Men): Like they say, "If you couldn't tell, that should be a hint." Even though I usually ask how many times (But Good D!ck Can Do That, this blog is coming soon) But God Damn it, you know if you made that woman cum or not, don't play yourself.

DON'T COMPARE YOUR LOVERS (Men): To discuss another woman with your lover is tacky to say the least. Real gentlemen don't bring up other women in the bed, rather you're saying good or bad things. Men liked being compared because we want our ego stroked, but when you are with a woman make her your one and only at that specific time. Who cares what your ex did, unless she asks? Other than that, stfu.

BRING UP A PRESSING ISSUE (MenWomen): Finally, don't bring up no heavy sh!t right after sex. Here's a short list:

So Where Do We Stand?

So How Many People Have You Had Sex With?

Have You Ever Cheated On Me?

Is That It? LMAOROTFL

ETC...

Ask that sh!t before you get busy.

What else shouldn't you do after sex? What was the worst thing someone did to you right after sex? Is there really any rules? What's the first thing you do when it is over for the night with your partner?