Guest Post: Are You Chasing a Man and Don't Know It

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The other day, a friend and I went to lunch and I swear, the entire time she was texting, checking her phone, emailing,  Facebooking, Tweeting, snapping pictures, sending pictures, and frowning in between because she was getting no response. Then she’d talk about this guy and start all over again.

Finally I asked, “What’s up with this guy?”

She looked at me, sighed, and said, “I swear, it’s hard work tryin’ to hold on to a man…”.

I swear it’s hard work tryin’ to hold on to a man!  Hold onto a man!?

First thought- Why you tryin’ to hold onto a man? Second thought- You ain’t holding onto him anyway.

So I say, “Newsflash, lil sistah, you ain’t holdin’ on to that man, you chasin’ him!”

My friend looked so surprised, like she didn’t get it. Clearly, she didn’t think she was chasing him. She thought she had him and they had something. Instead all she was doing was running after him.

So what made me tell her that? First off, as her “relationship mentor”, I felt like l had to.  Secondly and most importantly, I saw what she could not: that she was chasing after this man.   

Like my friend, many of us are chasing after men…and just like my friend, many of us don’t even know that’s what we’re doing.  Chasing a man is probably one of the worst things we can do to try to get one, not only to ourselves but to the relationships we hope to have.

So does this scenario sound familiar? Is your current “relationship” fun and enjoyable or is it like what my girlfriend said: “Hard work?”  If you find yourself emotionally or even physically exhausted trying to keep your man, it’s probably because you’re not keeping him, you’re chasing him, and the problem with chasing after a man is that you’re running after him and he’s running away from you. So ask yourself, am I unknowingly chasing this man that I care about?  

Let’s check out the signs….

Are you lying about what he means to you?

Ask yourself, are you romantically interested in this man but acting like he’s just a friend? Now being friends with a guy is great if you and this guy are just friends, but the key word is “acting.” You’re acting like his friend when you really want to be his love. And even though you aren’t befriending him maliciously, it is acting and it’s a lie being used as a means to an end.  That old saying, “Fake it, ‘til you make it” might work in some things but never when you’re trying to build a relationship.

The first sign usually begets the second- constant “friendly” contact… Are you constantly calling him, texting him, all up on his Facebook page poking him, posting pics, checking his status, and sending him updates in 140 characters or less? How many times are you the first to call and leave a message, sending the good morning text, or making first contact? Not sure? Then take a look at your phone’s call list. Are the outgoing calls outweighing the incoming? Outgoing is ok; too many outgoing means you’re chasing.

Third, are you the relationship social director? Are you buying tickets to this or that, planning outings, picking up this Living Social deal or that Groupon special; offering to take him out or cook for him? Are you the planner or worse, the payer?  Are you his sex friend, or his Out-At-The-Club-Looking-Lonely-So-He-Calls-You friend? And do you answer every time, happy that he called? That’s chasing him, and it’s time to stop. You were meant to be the movie, not the commercial break.   

Are you trying to drive the relationship a particular way? Come to church with me on Sunday, come meet my family, come by my job. I told my family about you, blah, blah, blah. If you’re trying to drive this man towards your life like he’s an 18-wheeler on a one-lane highway, then you’re chasing after him.  

Are you constantly making excuses for why he doesn’t respond to you? He works two jobs, he has his daughter on the weekends, he’s helping his mom, he’s really busy, he’s this, he’s that… It all sounds good, but it mostly sounds like he doesn’t wanna be around you.

Finally, wanna know if you’re chasing a man? Ask yourself.  “Am I working too hard for this damn relationship?” If a man wants you bad enough, he will never play “hard-to-get.”  Men want what they want and they don’t play to get it. An interested man is never difficult to get with or stay with. 

So if you’re doing like my girlfriend, calling and frowning, texting and frowning, staring at the phone and frowning… and frowning and frowning and frowning, then you’re probably chasing a man who doesn’t want you.  

Chasing is that line from My Best Friend’s Wedding – “Michael's chasing Kimmy. You're chasing Michael.  But who's chasing you? Nobody. There's your answer.” Chasing is that Denise Williams’s song Silly. “Silly of me to go around and brag about the love I've found; I say you're the best. Well, I can't tell the rest. Foolish of me to tell them all, that every night and day you call, when you could care less.”

Chasing is not being true to you. It’s changing who you are to be who you think this man might want. It’s suppressing your opinions, your feelings, your beautiful personality, your strong attitude, and even your values. It’s pretense, it’s uncomfortable, and it’s hard work.  

So now what do you do when you realize that maybe you are chasing after a man? You stop chasing him. Back off. Do that old saying: Let him go, if he gives a shit (even a little bit), he’ll come around, if he doesn’t… fuck him. You never had him anyway.  

I told my friend that she deserved to rest for a moment; all that running had to be exhausting. I told her to stop. And I told her if he cared for her, he’d contact her. She agreed but I could tell that the thought frightened her. I could tell she already cared for this man and was afraid that if she stopped, some other woman would start and she would lose her grasp forever. So she probably won’t stop. She’ll probably keep texting, and calling, and emailing, and frowning and chasing and chasing and chasing.

But I hope that someone else who reads this will stop. I hope that someone else will recognize their worth and that they’ll meet a man who will recognize it too.

I love you all ladies and by the way, if you want a relationship mentor contact me or your mom or your favorite aunt!! Trust me, we’ve all been there and most of us don’t mind talking about it!

Have you ever chased after a man? When did you realized you were doing more chasing then building? How did you let go? Have you ever had to snap a homegirl out of chasing a man? Did Kat help you see the light?

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Written by KAT, the same woman who brought you An Ode to F^cking a Married Man and What Is This!? Kat is the creator of one of my favorite blogs called DMVSingleLadies, where she comically talks about her dating nightmares and drops gems to the women that are single and dating. Kat is every woman's best friend with so many "Girl, So Let Me Tell You What Happened to Me" stories that she could feed a small country. Go to her site and see why I like her so much. She's thePUNK(People U Need 2 Know).