GUEST POST: What is "This!?
Remember the movie, “He’s Just Not That into You?” White chick likes white dude; white dude sorta likes white chick but not really; white chick doesn’t believe it, then does believe it and another white dude she totally ignored before ‘fesses up to liking her.
Most of us probably didn’t pay much attention to that movie because it was just another white movie-so we were like, “yeah, that’s their world; that’s them.” But guess what-that’s us too. We meet a man; get all excited about him, and he just ain’t that into us; same as in white chick world. But that’s where the similarity ends. In white chick world the entire act, cycles through in about two weeks-week one she likes him, week one and a half, she realizes he ain’t into her, week two she lets him go and dude two comes along…done. That ain’t us….we’ll hang onto a n!ggah for years! Knowing he’s not really into us, we hang on anyhow hoping this quasi-relationship will morph into something more.
Problem is we’re already callin the thing a real relationship, when it’s not. We treat it like a real relationship and tell our friends we’re in a relationship. But in reality, it’s an arrangement; an unspoken agreement that as long as we’re a guaranteed good f^ck and keep our mouths shut, he’ll keep comin around and dangling that relationship carrot in our face.
But what’s a great arrangement for him, is a waste of time for us because arrangements never lead anywhere; they go on and on and then they end. Scary. So ask yourself, “Is what I have with this man just an arrangement?” It might be. How do you know?
Well, here’s a very short list of some very obvious signs (in no particular order) that suggests if you’re in a relationship or an arrangement.
First though, if you haven’t read “Are You Wife Material or a Wifey?” you need to; because in an arrangement, you ain’t neither one of them. Second, you need to be honest with yourself. If you’re in an arrangement, admit it. It’s painful because you're also admitting you don’t matter to this man, but it’s better to admit now and move on than accept it when your biological clock has stopped ticking.
And Now the list:
Categorized. Have you been categorized? Men generally tend to categorize their worlds. There’s the job category, the friends category, the clubbing/fun category, the family/church category, the kids/baby mama category, and on and on. These categories inter-change and regularly cross paths; such as a man will hang out with people from work; and the family/church category is all over the kids/baby mama category.
But what about you? Are you in the arrangement category? How often have you been around the family? How often has he taken you around his friends or co-workers or to the club? Are you really part of his world or categorized? In an arrangement, you are put in a category and you stay there. In a relationship, you are part of his life and cross all lines.
Time in Service. How long have you been with this man? I call that “time in service.” Men don’t over-think relationships. They know within weeks whether you are “the one” material or not. If it’s been over 6 months and you’re “relationship” is no different than it was two weeks after you met him, you’re in an arrangement, not a relationship. Relationships grow, arrangements do not.
Memory. Does he remember what you say? If a guy is into you, he’ll pay attention to what you say. Maybe you mentioned the name of a song you like; maybe you talked about your dog. In a relationship, a man will remember these things. Maybe he doesn’t download the song but if the song’s on the radio, he’ll mention it. If your dog is sick, he’ll ask how he’s doing. When you’re in a relationship, he is interested in your world. When you’re in arrangement; he could give a shit.
Buy, Pay, Offer. Speaks for itself. In a relationship, dude offers to help you out, maybe your car is acting up…he’ll pop the hood and take a look; he’ll suggest a mechanic, and he’ll follow up. Notice I didn’t say he’ll pay, he might, but in a relationship money’s 50/50. Dude does, however, buy you what he thinks you’ll like for Christmas. He’ll pay your cable bill if you’re short. In relationships, he cares about your overall well-being. In an arrangement, you don’t monetarily matter. Let me give you an example. Let’s use Christmas since it just passed. During Christmas, if you’re in an arrangement, either one of three things happened to you:
Scenario One- You told him what you wanted for Christmas; he didn’t ask, but you told him anyhow. You got what you asked for but it was the cheap, dumbed-down version.
Scenario Two- You hinted around that you got him a gift; and out of obligation, he got you a drugstore teddy bear and a plastic rose.
Scenario Three- He didn’t do shit. He completely disappeared and reappeared after the holidays with an excuse and promise that he’ll make it up to you, which, of course, he never does.
If anyone of these three things happened to you, you most def are in an arrangement. And keep in mind that in an arrangement, and no matter how much money you spend on him, his wallet rarely opens.
But the best way to know if you are in an arrangement is by your own behavior. In an arrangement, you change who you are to be the person you think he wants. You accept his lame ass excuses for why the relationship has stalled, and you justify his behavior, trying to convince yourself that you’re ok with it. Arrangements are self-serving. They’re all about convenience. He’s not into you but you’ll do for now.
So if you realize you’re in an arrangement, you need to let that sh@t go. I ain’t saying it’s easy, personal experience tells me it’s not. But you need to let it go because as long as you’re in an arrangement, you will never be in a relationship. So let’s all do the white girl thing….accept that he’s not into us and let the n!ggah go. You never know, there may just be that dude waiting in the wings for you to realize you’re worth much more than an arrangement.
Have you been in an arrangement like this? Are you in one currently? Do you fear to leave him and end up being alone? Do you fear, he will find a woman that he deems better than you? Have you ever strung a man along like this?
Written by KAT, the same woman who brought you An Ode to F^cking a Married Man, the creator of my new favorite blog called DMVSingleLadies, where she comically talks about her dating nightmares and drops gems to the women that are single and dating just like her. Kat is every woman's best friend with so many "Girl, So Let Me Tell You What Happened to Me" stories that she could feed a small country. Go to her site and see why I like her so much. She's thePUNK(People U Need 2 Know).
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Labels: a, advice, anywhere, be, doesnt, going, he, I do, isnt, love, our, relationship, relationships, Should, single, to, want, what
posted by theSUNK at
12:25 AM
10 Comments:
I am in an arrangement right now, but here's the thing though.. I choose to be in this, cuz I was in a relationship for over a decade and I am enjoying doing what I want to do without any questions/requirements or expectations. I know I don't have the skillz and desire to be relationship material right now. Me and my bed boo been getting I in for a year now and it's ALL GOOD!! He's dates other girls and I date other men and we sometimes go out with each other as well. We Cool like that, but I agree It ain't for everybody, but it works for me. *shrug*
I might be in "an arrangement" but it wasn't intentional. Previous to this last 9 months I had been in a 3 year relationship with a man I was damn near engaged to. After the break up, I decided to just spend some time getting to know myself all over again, while I attempt to figure out what it is I truly seek for in a man on a long term level. I met this guy, great man, out of the blue.
Due to the fact that I am single and he too, we see other people which I am okay with and to some extent prefer. However, I caught myself actually having real feelings for this man. Though I am not looking for a relationship, simply because I'm not ready for one nor would I be the best woman to be with at this current time, I find myself wondering if there is potential there or if he would like there to be. I really hope that if our lives ever happen to be on the relationship track at the same time he would want to be with me. Is it safe to think this way, or am I just stuck where we are or classified as some sort of "wifey" as you say?
@ Anony who caught feelings:
To avoid catching feeling I like to put distance between me and my bed boo. When I start feeling I may be getting attached, I stop seeing/sleeping him for awhile and What happens is it usually give me times to reflect and really see if feelings for "bed boo" are real Which turns out THEY ARE NOT.
I just really like fcuking him. Point. Blank. Period .
@ Anonymous
At this point, 9 months later I think the relationship is what it is, an arrangement. Where you went wrong was accepting the fact that he was seeing other people. That right there should have been the red flag to let you know where you relationship was headed, arrangement-ville! And after 9 whole months, if he hasn’t made any attempt to steer that ship in another direction then he pretty much is letting you know where his head is at.
Sorry…just move on and you will find something that you deserve.
@2/1 9:30PM
I've never believed that love had a stop clock. Sports do. Jobs do. School does. However, love doesn't. An attractive man wouldn't spend 9 months talking to you just to f^ck or have an arrangement. True, men like p^ssy on tap, but we get bored and will eventually drop yo a$$.
To me it really sounds like youre feeling playboy, it's not like you started off saying "I met this guy, he's alright"...you said, "I met this guy, he's great, however it's just not moving at the pace I would like it too." In a perfect world, @YoungMommyDiaries would be right, but everything isn't that black and white.
When you write about him I can still tell that your on his team. How about you both set a cut-off time or just go with the flow. Relationships like other things have a natural order and will die on their own. You don't have to make a concerted effort to stop something like a relationship. If a better guy comes along, you're gonna grow disinterested in the other one anyway.
However you haven't told us if he's made changes within this time period? Or has he been stagnant?
Another thing, men are not concerned with time. Women biologically are. Have you ever wondered why a man can work on a car for years...if he was a chick after a certain amount of time MOST LIKELY he'd would say f^ck this sh!t, Im done fooling around with this piece of sh!t.
Women always need to know. Need to know the time. Need to know who's gonna be there. Need to know what their girl are wearing. Need to know who's driving. For men that will never be the Sh!t U Need 2 Know.
Men don't do all that. We just go with the flow.
It's because men want to tune love, men want everything to be right when they make it there. Maybe he doesn't feel like he's good enough to commit to you or take the relationship to the next level. Because men also fear more than rejection- failure. Men don't want to fail at love and sometimes that thought of failure, overpowers the thought of commitment. His time talking to you is a commitment. Maybe you just haven't noticed. You can't learn everything you need to know about a person in the matter of 6 months, but as long as your growing...WTF is the RUSH
Its funny I just had a conversation with my boyfriend about our relationship and where he sees it going. It was very hard for me to bring up but it was needed. I know a lot of people, male and female who need to read this post and trust me I'll tweet the link asap.
I can definitely say that I have seen changes over the time period. In the beginning he was extremely nonchalant, with the whole I'm not in a relationship and don't plan on being in one attitude. Overtime his emotional attachment and his care for me has increased. Occasionally he has said he does things outside of his satisfaction just to make me happy, he cares about me, and will do what yu can to help me in times of need. I know, those are all words, but I've seen them in action.
At this moment I am pleased with the pace of our courtship. Like I said before, I am not ready to be in a relationship but I can't help how I'm starting to think about him. I love going slow and taking our time. I have always ran, hopped and skipped into all of my relationships. After my 3 year one I decided to do things differently.
We both just graduated from college so I believe he is in that I need to develop myself as a man stage. As for me, the same but working through issues caused by previous relationships. We keep the communication lines open for nothing but honesty. And we are getting to the point where we confide in one another more. I can honestly say that if things do not grow into a relationship, I am blessed to have known him at all. He has truly taught me a lot about myself and about life in general. More importantly, its just a blessing to have the privilege of knowing a great man!
* sorry for going all Oprah on you *
I'm glad to see all the weigh-in; to question, to comment, to ask yourself what it is you have this man and then ask him too. That was the purpose of this blog. iReMa did exactly what I hoped. We (and by we I mean women)are sometimes afraid we’ll “rock the boat” and scare the man off; so we keep our mouths shut and try to guess what’s going on in his head. Usually we guess wrong; we CANNOT think like a man any more than they can figure us out.
Communication is the key. Notice I said “communication” not “confrontation.” Don’t read this blog and back that man in a corner throwin that drugstore teddy bear in his face. But if you don’t know what it is that you’re in…ask him and don’t whine when you do it...just ask. And tell him why you’re asking- you’re a lil’ bit unsure about where you guys are going and where it could possibly land; you just want to know how he sees it.
I’m also glad we got a male’s perspective. He made some great points…like women are time cautious. But we’re not holding stopwatches. When a woman loves a man, she will give him the time he needs to do whatever he needs to. There’s no timetable just an expectation that this “thing” has "relationship" potential that could become more. And along the way, either it will grow or it will end, either because it stagnated or someone realized he or she never be that significant other. The worse thing that can happen is nothing. Nothing happens in arrangements.
Biological clock-good point-that can make us nervous.
But I think he’s wrong about a man in an arrangement holding on to that arrangement. I believe a man will hold on to an arrangement because it’s uncomplicated. You… sitting there, waiting on him, and trying not to rock the boat. And that “trying not to rock the boat” part is the arrangement sign. You’re changing who you are to become who you think he wants hoping that he’ll put you in his future plans.
I know this one guy….he’s been stringin this bitch along for five years! Know how I know it’s an arrangement; because he’s tappin on my window every chance he gets. One time, we were talking on the phone; he’s feeding me all kinds of bullsh*t, then he says, “I need to go, I’m her house; she made some food for me.” He calls her “Her” as if that’s her name. I asked him if she ever asked where they were going in their relationship. He tells her he’s not ready yet. So while he’s getting ready, he’s out chasing the p<>ssy and living his life. FIVE YEARS! And she’s hanging in there because she’s put in all that time-in-service. Clearly, she’s in an arrangement. Poor thing.
This blog is doing just what it was met to do! Have those conversations with your girlfriends but more importantly have that conversation with him.
Oh and by the way, arrangements aren’t always bad, if that’s what you want. There’s nothing wrong with a “bedroom boo.” Just be yourself, love yourself, and do you first!
I love this. Hilarious, great, and holds so much truth (from what I hear from male friends)!!! Love it. Check out my blog for other "girrrrl let me tell you what happened" stories!
http://rhondamae.wordpress.com/
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